At Llama List, we always give our list up front, and here it is:
- Don’t put them down
- Follow your instincts
- Feed on Demand
- Bed share safely
- Be Determined
For the full detail, please read on:
Our Newborn Journey
I remember well those first few weeks and months with my first baby. Overwhelmed by the responsibility of having a new baby and keeping this tiny person alive and happy, I desperately wondered how to do it ‘right’.
Advice for babies is every where. Parenting tips which promise to help you and your baby fall asleep in under a minute, to successfully cut the umbilical cord and master feeding, sleeping, and all the needs of the newborn as you adjust to being a parent.
Endless google searches for tips and information while the little one slept, along with endless calls/texts to my Mum about what the ‘best’ thing to do with my precious new son happened continuously.
How often should I feed him?
How much should he be sleeping?
Why is he spitting up so much?
Are his diapers normal?
When should I sleep?
Why is he awake? Why is he still asleep!?
Thousands of questions, every moment to make sure that you are going it right. The good news is, once I realized that it was my instincts which needed to guide me. In the first few weeks and beyond, every thing is your first time.
Its tough, but if you let your baby guide your decisions as much as possible, you with both thrive.
Now onto baby number three (happily sleeping away in bed upstairs right now at 8 months old) those questions have been answered long ago and I feel as confident as any parent can be that I know what I’m doing.
Baby three is the happiest most settled baby of all three of my children. And it’s not down to his character. Each child is different, yes, and each parent is different and does what is right for their family.
However, all babies have pretty much the same needs and if you meet them from day 1 adequately you’ll all be much happier and thriving.
You might not like what I have to say here but here’s what I have learned about how to care for your baby in a way that WORKS.
Our Advice For New Parents
Don’t put them down. Don’t even try to. Honestly.
Human babies are born early. Compared to other primate species, human newborns’ brains are underdeveloped which makes them especially dependent upon their caregivers. They depend on us for survival. Of course they don’t want to be put down.
If you search the internet on this topic you will find thousands of examples of parents desperately asking why they can’t put their baby down, why their newborn baby wake up as soon as they put them down or why they cry as soon as you prise their tiny little warm bodies off you, even though you’re doing everything everybody is telling you.
You bought the white noise machine, the beautiful crib so why don’t they like it?!
There is a HUGE market for baby ‘sleep aids’. Desperate parents everywhere spend hundreds on the latest thing promised to help you get some sleep with the baby happily sleeping alone.
I’ll let you in on a secret. Save your money because none of them work. Not a single one.
The answer is actually really simple and free: NEWBORN BABIES DO NOT WANT TO GO DOWN.
So don’t put them down.
Get help from others so you can sit with your newborn in the day.
Wear them in a sling (some great ones here) so you can get stuff done and take care of your other children.
Bedshare so you can all get some sleep (more on this later).
Nothing can even touch the benefits of skin to skin contact
Whatever it takes. Cuddle them. It doesn’t last long, so enjoy it while you can
For the first 6 months of baby three’s life I didn’t put him down much at all. Obviously, he went down when happy and awake to play on the floor and he also got lots of cuddles from Daddy and big brother and sister.
He lived in the sling so I could still keep the house running and attend to my other children in the day. At night, I went to bed when he did every night (again more on this shortly!) and cuddled him all night long.
Now he’s a little older he sleeps solo happily for the first part of the night and I can leave him asleep upstairs (video monitor whirring away) whilst I attempt a much needed conversation with my husband.
Follow your instincts
In this age of Internet there’s a wealth of information out there for new parents. Some good, most of it terrible. All of it overwhelming. Not to mention often well meant advice from family and friends. One of the best approaches we found which best matched how we felt was Sarah Ockwell-Smith, in particular her amazing ‘Gentle Sleep Book‘, which really gave me the confidence to do what I felt was right.
The absolute best thing you can do in those early weeks is slow down. Drown out the noise and just be with your baby. Listen to your instincts. You’ll know when they need feeding, changing or to go to sleep. You just have to trust yourself.
The more you do it the more you’ll learn about your lovely new baby and the easier everything will become.
Feed on demand
In those early days you absolutely do not need a schedule to follow. Follow your instincts.
You’ll know when your baby needs feeding. Do it then. Not when the clock says.
If you’re breastfeeding, it’s especially important. Your baby is doing it’s job and asking your body to make the milk they need to thrive.
If it feels constant I’m sorry and I feel you, it can be so tough especially during those long evenings full of cluster feeding — but hang in there! This phase doesn’t last long.
Bedshare (Safely)
This is such a controversial topic in western culture. Oh, how dare I suggest that you put your baby in such mortal danger! But the truth is that humans have always slept with their young. It’s how we survived.
Sleeping together and breastfeeding through the night is the optimal environment for you all to get the best night’s sleep, in my opinion.
The priority must always be finding the best way to support the baby while taking care of yourself too, and making sure you both get enough rest.
Of course you have to be super careful and make sure you take all of the steps necessary to make it a safe sleeping environment for your baby. No soft mattress, loose bedding or nursing pillows anywhere in sight – the little one stays cosy in a baby sleeping bag while I sleep in a onesie so I don’t get cold. No alcohol, drugs or smoking.
The decision to bedshare must be taken seriously.
My husband usually sleeps in the spare room so there’s no risk of him rolling on the baby. His military training means he will sleep through absolutely anything (including a crying baby!) so we made the decision based on our family and what’s best for us.
James McKenna, anthropologist and author of the book Safe Infant Sleep, (which we highly recommend) notes that the ‘safest sleep environment is one that includes a breastfeeding mother’. This is not intended to make anyone who doesn’t breastfeed feel bad. It’s more about the science of sleep and a baby’s wakefulness.
His research told him that in the first three months (when babies are most susceptible to SIDS) babies who slept with a breastfeeding mother are waking up all night, getting practise in waking to breathe. And they need it! This engagement between the mother and baby is helping the baby switch between sleep stages and arousal and actually oxygenates the baby.
Moreover, he found that breastfeeding mothers tended to sleep in a ‘C’ position on their side with the baby at chest level and their legs up underneath the feet of the baby. This helps to ensure baby isn’t high up in the bed near any pillows (again, no pillows or bedding anywhere near baby!) and protects against moving around.
It’s so important to do your research on how to bed share safely so that you can do it with confidence.
For me, I slept much better with all of my babies when they were in the bed with me. I felt more relaxed and happy that they were safe right next to me. I could feel and hear their little irregular breaths and their presence reassured me so that I could get some sleep myself.
Let’s face it, the truth is that we all occasionally fall asleep with our babies in the bed. Those first few months of sleep deprivation are a shock to the system.
I believe that it is far better to prepare for it properly, so that you can bedshare safely. I remember being told by a friend that her and her husband were taking turns to sit up in the night with their newborn baby on the sofa. My stomach flipped. It’s pretty impossible for a sleep deprived parent to stay awake sitting perfectly still on a comfortable sofa in the middle of the night and I don’t need to tell you how dangerous it is to sleep on a sofa with a newborn.
So, my advice is to bedshare. Safely. Prepare for it, plan for it and you’ll all sleep more soundly.
Be determined
It’s tough. Nothing can prepare you for the sleep deprivation. The bleeding nipples and swollen breasts. The tears and raw emotions. The changes in your relationship with your partner. It’s a lot. The hardest thing you’ll ever do if you’re doing it right. But it’s worth it
Your baby depends on you. You have to keep going. Get support from anyone who offers it and try your best to relax and enjoy these days. They don’t last forever. You won’t enjoy all the days, even less the nights, but have faith in yourself. Trust your instincts. You can do it.
So there you have it. Five simple steps to a happy and thriving newborn.
Don’t put them down
Follow your instincts
Feed on Demand
Bedshare safely
Be Determined
Of course, this is parenting so I would not expect everyone to agree with me. Parenting is a highly personal journey.
I do, however, wish that someone had been brave enough to share this list with me when I had just had my first baby.
To just hear this from a more experienced parent would have been invaluable; allowing me to relax, follow my instincts and just be with my new baby.
I hope therefore that it helps someone and if it doesn’t help you then I hope you find some advice somewhere else that does. It is often a difficult and lonely journey this parenting one. You’re doing great
If you have any comments, questions, or ideas for a new Llama List, please don’t hesitate to get in touch!
